Dear Heart,

Take deep breaths, my precious, and try not to tremble. I know you have been experiencing a lot- Believe me, I haven’t blinked. I watched you quiver as my God armed His canons. I saw you look to me for help when He aimed them at your walls. But hear me, dear heart- you are no longer mine. Do not reach for me, and do not resort to your own wisdom! My God, your governor and guardian, promised to be faithful to you. Your fragility is not a secret, but your immortality has been forgotten! Why do you fear? Why do you ask me to turn back as I keep my toes on His heels? Precious, I know that you are frightened. But I will ignore your weeping if His will is what you fear most. I trust Him, and you are my sacrifice.

I saw your silent terror when the broken walls fell. I watched your tender submission as He carried you toward His plan. He told me to be still, and He said the same to you. I am as powerless as you, my heart! But what else can we do? Now that we are His, can we undo what He started? Can we make our own way? Would you rather be comfortable than safe? Believe me, they are not the same thing!

Admit it, you’re excited! You are glad to finally experience vulnerability, to finally stop denying the existence and the power of your desires. You know the uncertainty of love that swells in you is helping you to satisfy your purpose. You cannot deny those still and powerful moments where you realize, as you hang naked from His fingers, “This is what I am made for.”

Heart, you were made to be given. Made to be used. Made to be uncovered. You were not made to withhold yourself! Not to hide in your comfort, behind your walls and your fears!

Yes, heart, I saw you when you first laid eyes on what you feared and wanted most. I know how that unforgettable moment replaced your certainties with weakness. I know that time has never seemed so slow, and that doubt has never looked so easy.

But this is what love is. This is what Love does. Right now you stand, soaked in your hope, unraveled and waiting. I see you! But I will not rescue you. I know you have gone through so much, but I write to ask you for one more favor:

Remember your first Love.

Hang in there,
Emily

Dear everything,

You never cease to remind me of someone else.
Actually.you both have the same name.
Except yours does not begin with a capital “E.”

Thank you for serving your purpose,
Emily

(“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse”)
((Romans 1:20))

Dear plans,
Some of you are fickle; some of you are flawless; some of you are forgotten; but all of you are formless! You do not belong to me and I do not belong to you. But maybe, if you are willing, we can work together to each belong to Something Greater? Because strangely, we do not belong to each other, but we definitely belong together.
Confused?
Me too.
Love,
Emily

Dear Emily,
I will push you with terrible and glorious power. I will pull you with the look of irresistible grace. I will remind you of the Promise to which you run with tender feet. With wild passion and wrath I will guard you. With unbearable light I will conquer your enemies. Persistent hope will firmly grip your heart. Sweet affection will fill it. Listen- all my words carry the fierce and heavy power of solid promise. I will breathe ferocity and strength into your will. I will set fire in your eyes- the fire of battle, of love, of invincible life- and even Death will fear you. For I have already endured the pain that you earned me, and now it is time to begin running, running Home.
Love,
You know who.

Seasons

I was having a really hard time of questioning God and feeling really alone…almost as if He had called me to something and left me to do it without His presence or provisions. I kept telling Him I would wait on Him and hold on until He spoke to me again. But my heart suddenly understood: He was waiting on me, not the other way around.

He wanted me to rest and be thankful. To acknowledge that His plans for me, although they are hard, were meant to be blessings rather than burdens. The weight is lifted, and I have a new peace! A kind I have never felt before. He is softening my heart and moving slowly for me, because He knows I have a stubborn and busy heart that takes awhile to calm down and stay focused. I love Him. He knows me.

He pulled me out of a small valley, and now I am resting in the plain before He makes me climb the mountain. It will be hard, but I am excited. Because He always makes sure I get to the top.

I am praying for a heart of worship. I want to be entirely decreased and have a fire for Him that I have never had before. God will have to top Himself.

Em

Expectations vs Surrender

It is so amazing to learn how little control I really have.

God has been teaching me so much about reliance. I have never been here before; I am vulnerable, open. My only certainty is found in prayer.
But newsflash- to pray is to surrender, not to demand. It does not give us grounds to expect anything from Him.

“But I prayed for this…with hope and pure intentions!”

How dare I hold God accountable. Step down, self.
“no” is still an answer. He does not have to say “yes” to prove Himself faithful.
I cannot deserve an answered prayer. If He gives me the desire of my heart, it is because He is merciful and gracious. Not because I prayed for it, and CERTAINLY not because I earned it.

Hello, reliance. We meet again.

Control= 0%.
100% room for faith.

God- It is not about what you are going to do, but what you are doing now. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for showing me how little I am. Please keep doing it. (Please show me mercy. My heart is on a platter.)

Em

He Says:

I will push you with terrible and glorious power. I will pull you with the look of irresistible grace. I will remind you of the Promise to which you run with tender feet. With wild passion and wrath I will guard you. With unbearable light I will conquer your enemies. Persistent hope will firmly grip your heart. Sweet affection will fill it. Listen- all my words carry the fierce and heavy power of solid promise. I will breathe ferocity and strength into your will. I will set fire in your eyes- the fire of battle, of love, of invincible life- and even Death will fear you. For I have already endured the pain that you earned me, and now it is time to begin running, running Home.

Em

It’s Time I Prayed…

Every time I sit down to pray or write I get so overwhelmed with all the things there are to say that I end up not saying anything at all. But I do not want to allow that to hinder me anymore…So this post will be a prayer post.

Lord, I miss you. Every time this happens, I know it is my fault. You certainly were not the one who changed. Hebrews 13:8

Sin is so frustrating. Every time I let it go, it takes me far away from you. I have sinned so much in my heart lately by having such a fixation on the things of this world- namely, my pain. I have been so self-centered. If I had my heart set on eternity, there would not be any room to feel insecure or lonely or depressed. I would know that whatever I have to be insecure about is meaningless. I would remember that I am insufficient and I would rejoice in Your sufficiency, Your willingness to use me and LOVE ME regardless. I would remember that this world is not my home, and I would take comfort in the fact that I do not belong here, that I belong somewhere greater by far.

Today I remembered Lamentations 3:23 as I was driving to meet dad for lunch. And I saw the sunshine and remembered that this is a new day, and if I want, I can be a new person. If I want to, I can put yesterday behind me and pursue You. I can forgive my recent attitude and inherit a new one. I can seize Your forgiveness and have a heart of praise! Sometimes I forget You are absolutely merciful and forgiving, and I don’t let myself pray because I feel unworthy of Your ear because of all my sins. I flat out yelled at You Saturday night, to the merciful Father who sent His Son to hang on the cross for me. In my pride I accused Him of abandoning me. How disgusting! My sin is so frustrating, and I find it hard to forgive. It literally nauseates me. But Your forgiveness is quicker than instant. Before I was born you knew I would accept You as my savior and You forgave me for every sin. I am Your foolish child. The one You love, the one who slows herself down by not forgiving herself even when the Lord of the universe already has.

Thank you, God! It is a blessing to remember what I deserve. Humbling. I want to pursue You. I just want all of You and none of me. Not more of You and less of me….All and none. I am quite tired of me, and entirely thirsty for You.

My heart still feels somewhat numb and desensitized. Lord, please forgive me for letting the world shake me? You will get me out of here someday. I pray that You would soften my heart and make it raw to the Gospel. Remind me why I am alive- in my HEART.

God I pray that You would bless me with Your patience and love and kindness for others! I want to serve people until it exhausts me. I surrender my mind to You so that you may guide it and control it. Please obsess me with your Son. Please let grace be my first heart-response. Please bless me with creativity that I may put to use in my serving of others? Please use me? Lord I pray that You would help to mature and bless me with wisdom and kindness. I want to regard everyone as higher than myself, and I want it to be genuine. Lord I want humility and submission and reverence!! I want to honor and glorify Jesus with my heart and my mind and my words and my actions. I want to bring Him to Earth and thrust Him into the lives of all those around me. No wonder life has seemed so dull lately- I have forgotten to live for Something greater! The greatest…

Thank You so much for answering all of my prayers, for being my Father and protecting my heart and rebuking me and raising me up to be who you want me to be. Thank you for everything!

Em

I’m in love with Something I can’t understand, which I am told is Love itself.

I have no desire or reason to write about myself or how I am doing, so I will post a few things He has been showing me. Some of them are new, others just feel new.

-If you have the desire to learn how to love yourself, ignore it. Your love was not made for yourself. There is no lack or deficit or flaw or limit in the love that is already offered you. And contrary to popular belief, you CAN love others without first loving yourself! But loving others without loving God is absolutely impossible. So forget yourself- let God and His church worry about loving you, while you focus on trying to love them more. Contentment will be given to you when you obsess over Him and die to yourself. Your heart will not say “I love me,” but “I love how He loves me.”

-It is okay to be excited about your plans, as long as you have peace with the possibility that they will either be thwarted or trumped. Sometimes it’s both, never is it neither, and it is always awesome.

-Love does not have to be felt in order to be expressed. Strive to prove your love to people, even if it does not exist. It will bless everyone involved, and your Father will be pleased with you. (and most likely, He will use your perseverance to soften your heart.)

-It’s best to keep your desires few, and to keep them simple. The result is peace.

Em

Hillsong led my worship last night. My love and understanding of worship have grown so much this year! I am learning that it is not a superstitious experience- just a sober, sincere effort to entertain and romance my King. And the entertainment is intended for Him. The fact that I enjoy the songs is just an irrelevant, but much appreciated, bonus!

I closed my eyes and sang “Everlasting” … imagining I was at the foot of the cross, singing up to my Savior. During that song I realized that the Lord and all the angels and demons can hear my undignified praise. And I sang louder. Worship is victory! He filled that arena. He’s so much bigger than our skin. Every time I worship, the only thought I get is “You deserve it.”

Last night at the concert I was so blown away and excited about oneness with Him! Genuine worship sets me free. I need it. He wants it. It was so real and so rich!

Some things the lyrics/chord progressions/Holy Spirit reminded me:

-Hope is real, not a Hollywood concept. Not a dream. I worship the One who defeated everything that I would otherwise call “invincible.” But because of Jesus, I can call it “death.”

-Every moment is the time to worship. Not because I particularly ‘feel it’ or because it releases MY heart, but because HE DESERVES IT.

-Jesus got what I deserve. sacrifice, slander, separation. and more. (I wept.)

-There is a Home waiting for me!

I just love how we persist. The crowd by singing, yelling, jumping, raising their hands, holding on to the promises they’ve heard, holding on to the faith that says that they are true against the doubts that say they are not. The musicians by offering up themselves and their talents to raise a ruckus for the Lord, even though sin and hurt may have been raising a ruckus in their hearts. I’m sure Satan hated all of it. Our persistence, our hope, our endurance, our volume. Worship is so hardcore. To me, it is like going into battle and going into peace at the same time.

Hope is courage. Those who fear vulnerability wouldn’t dare to try it.

When I remind myself that I am a warrior, it’s like guzzling an energy drink. I love winning! I love purposeful suffering! Am I with the right God or what??!

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” — 1 Timothy 6:6

Em

Learning!

I want what I fear most: God. romance. vulnerability. Nothing is as terrifying or irresistible as those things. I just have to keep in mind their true definitions, so as to avoid pursuing anything feign.

God is not an emotion.
Romance is not attention.
Vulnerability is not recklessness.
Suffering is not martyrdom.

God is Holy and available.
Romance is His promise.
Vulnerability is love not cheaply given.
Suffering is understanding Christ.

“No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people.”
–Acts 5:13.

Em

Dear Jesus,

I feel closest to you:

when I stare out at the ocean alone
when I sacrifice for others
when my body aches with sorrow
when I spend time with any child
when I laugh in the midst of free and celebratory conversation
when I connect with your Word
when I can feel your rebuke
when I expect your rebuke but don’t receive it
when I evaluate my imperfections
when I pray in my car
when I worship in my heart and it moves everything else
when I settle down
when I am paralyzingly afraid
when courage sweeps in and makes me move
when I am filled with strength that came out of “no where”
when I linger in eye-contact
when I let spontaneity run free
when I work harder than is possible for me
when I invite you into my silence
when I show myself and others grace
when I experience the dawn
when I examine the stars
when I dive into community
when I love expensively
when I am rejected and misunderstood
when I am taken in
when I talk about you
when I listen about you
when I listen to you

Em

A (small) Case For Faith

The love demonstrated in the Bible is faithful- it defends, it commits, it delivers. It delivers to and it delivers from. It persists infallibly.

“I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown. Israel was holy to the Lord, the firstfruits of his harvest; all who devoured her were held guilty, and disaster overtook them.”
-Jeremiah 2:1-3

But we are a fallible race under an infallible God, whose Name is Love.
“Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, ‘I will not serve you!’ Indeed, on every high hill and under ever spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. I had planted you like a choice vine of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt vine?”
-Jeremiah 2:20-21

The result? —> We realize that love is not only faithful and persistent, but humble. Because the Lord of the universe, without forsaking His terrible and mighty power, yearns for His people. still.

“I thought you would call me Father…”
-Jeremiah 3:19

” ‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord, ‘I will frown on you no longer, for I am merciful,’ declares the Lord, ‘I will not be angry forever.’”
-Jeremiah 3:12

Obviously, I am reading Jeremiah right now. and loving it, and learning SO much.
God’s love does not negate His wrath, it spawns it:

God is absolutely holy.
His people are absolutely sinful.
God absolutely loves His absolutely sinful Bride–us, His people.
But pure holiness cannot approach the impurity of sin.
God cannot stop being holy, (praise the Lord!)
and we cannot stop being sinful.

But God’s desire to be with His sinful people, despite His holiness, is unbending, unwavering, ever-strong. So what must He do to be with us, since we won’t come to Him? He must satisfy His wrath against sin without sacrificing His love for us.

In the Old Covenant, the Lord achieved His wrath by punishing the sinners for their sin.

But in the New Covenant, in which we now live, God punished the Sinless One for our sin. His wrath is satisfied, once and for all.

I do not fear the Lord because I hold His name to be synonymous with punishment–Things have changed since Jesus came.

I fear God, yet love Him still, because I recognize that He is completely powerful and could do anything He wants.

But by His grace, I can know exactly what He wants:

He wants me.
My undivided devotion.
My time.
My holiness.
My trust.
My burden.
My worship.
My reverence.
My adoration.
My hard work.
He wants all of me.

He wants all of you.

Em

I Want To Talk About Hope

What David says about hope: “No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.” (Psalm 25:5)

What Paul says about hope: “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:5)

And again: “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” (Romans 8:24)

I stifle my own hope. On purpose. It takes a conscious effort for me to nourish it and protect it from my own fear. Hope makes me vulnerable. But to be hopeless is scarier by far. So I try to play it safe, and I put my hope in what has already been guaranteed to me: salvation, the Spirit, redemption. But that’s cheap! “Who hopes for what he already has?”

“Hope does not disappoint us…” –really?

yes.

I truly believe He will use your hope to bless you and glorify Himself, every time.

Either
A) He will grant you the desires of your heart, resulting in worship and thankfulness and praise, and recognition to God as a God who gives according to His abundant grace

or B) Your hope will keep you in touch with the Lord, and He will inevitably show you how the desires you had for yourself were inadequate compared to what He had planned for you. Your desires will begin to match His. Then you will experience point A.

No matter what, He is faithful and compassionate. Our God is so good!!
I will share my personal struggle: I feel like it is important that I want the right things, especially in regards to singleness. Some days I find it easier to cherish my singleness than others. And on the harder days, I struggle to know what to pray for.
“Should I pray that He brings me someone I could have a godly relationship with? Or should I pray that He helps me to cherish what I have already been given?”
(Side note- singleness is not the absence of something good. It is something good in and of itself.)

I don’t know where to put my hope. I just need to recognize that it doesn’t matter. He will not be careless with my fragile heart. He will gently guide me if I have misplaced my hope. I do not need to fear disappointment when I have such a faithful God.

Everyday I find myself saying “hope does not disappoint hope does not disappoint hope does not disappoint”

That’s all for now.

Em

“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Yeah, I Can Relate.

I can relate to Paul, whose fire became laced with holiness as he received salvation, whose heart and limbs are governed by his love for the Church because of her Master. It swells, it hurts, it empowers, it burns.
(Acts 9, Philippians 4)

I can relate to David, who is passionate in everything, whose Everything is God, and whose God is more passionate still. His passion is his hope, his weakness, his romance, his means.
(Psalm 143, 2 Samuel 7)

I can relate to Noah, whose inadequacy was chosen among many to be a vehicle for the Lord’s glory and grace. Just because.
(Hebrews 11:7, Genesis 7)

I can relate to Sarah, whose heart could not believe that the Lord is truly gracious and faithful to His promises. I can relate to Abraham, who received His grace anyway.
(Hebrews 11:11, Genesis 15)

I can relate to the beggar, who was blessed with the health he dared not request, whose weakness silently beckoned for an undeserved yet graciously received power. He received health so that he may offer worship- and he did.
(Acts 3)

I can relate to the paralytic, who had what he deserved and received what he did not.
(Matthew 9:2)

I can relate to the Prophets, whose tongues could not rest under the weight of Truth, who were set apart as they bore the brunt of misplaced fear, and were therefore unrecognizably tender– bruised for His glory, their purpose.
(Jeremiah 20:8-11)

I can relate to Solomon, whose heart craved wisdom, and whose ever-present ignorance brought humility and hope as it beckoned for Something Holy.
(Ecclesiastes 7:16)

I can relate to Naomi, who received the loyalty and dedication she could never earn. I can relate to Ruth, who, despite the danger and vulnerability involved, does not know how not to offer it.
(Ruth 1:16-18)

I can relate to Jesus, who conquered death and inherited the Kingdom of the Lord.
(Luke 23:42-43, John 3:16)

Em

Lately I have found that there is so much truth in most of the common clichés. All my life, I have heard that “God provides,” and “college will change your life.” But this week, I am absolutely amazed at how these two truths have worked together for God’s glory and my own blessing.

Just last week, I finished all my college courses, took all my final exams, submitted all my final papers, moved out of the dorm, and arrived back at home. My first year at Butler was finally behind me, and it all happened so fast! It was a great year for me, as I got to grow so much spiritually and academically. But as quickly as it began, I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, back at home, taking a deep breath and thinking to myself, “What am I supposed to do now?”

I don’t have fifty pages of philosophy, theology, and biology to read every night. I don’t have to write an eight-page paper every week. No more projects. No more exams. No more phonetic transcriptions and physiology of speech. No more late night cramming and desperate midnight ‘coffee outings’ to keep myself awake. I hardly knew what to do with myself!

While I completely expected to sleep for a few weeks straight and enjoy the home-cooked meals and my empty calendar, I was actually consumed by a newfound need to stay busy. College had changed me. I was no longer content with doing ‘nothing.’ Instead, I was urgently compelled to do ‘something, anything’ to keep my mind stimulated and my spirit growing. So, what did I do? I began driving around town and collecting job applications from random locations. I prayed that God would provide a way for me to stay busy with tasks that help me to grow as His servant, and I prayed that I would be able to work at them in a way that pleases and glorifies Him like never before.

Now everybody says that He answers prayers.

But it’s true. God is faithful, and God is creative.

One day I received a call from a very friendly woman named Julie. She called to ask me if I was available during the summer to watch over her three children on any two days of the week. I was thrilled at the new opportunity that was given to me, and I accepted. We continued to talk, and I began to share my faith with her more openly than I ever have with a complete stranger. Despite my fears that I may lose the job opportunity for being too “religious,” it all just fell out of my mouth- how God is shaping my plans, how He is my sustenance, my desire, my Life.

And by the grace of God, she loved what she heard!

Then, one week later, I received another phone call from a woman named Jill. Jill also has three children, and she wanted to know if I was available three days a week to watch over them and help meet their needs. I told her I would absolutely love to, and soon after I was at her house for an interview. Inevitably, Jill asked me, “So- tell me about yourself!” Once again, I had neither the desire nor the capability to keep the name of God to myself. I told her that God had given me a newfound passion for children with learning disabilities and that, by His grace and for His glory, I was able to declare a major that will help me to serve them as a speech pathologist.

Little did I know, her son has a learning disability.

Little did I know, her best friend is a respected speech pathologist.

That, and she wants to give me the job.

Shortly after the Lord convicted me to be more open about my faith without fear of whom I might offend or repel, but with hope of whom I might encourage or attract to the Kingdom, the Lord provided. He supplied two separate job offers from two separate people with schedules that fit so perfectly together.

Accepting both of these offers would give me a full time job working forty hours each week. But the best part is, my employers and I both know that I am going forth with all my effort and passion as if working for the Lord, and not for men.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”

-Colossians 3:23

“But if I say, “I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name,” His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”

-Jeremiah 20:9

Thanks for reading,

Emily Jones

Considering now, then, and all the travels in between:
They say the road is straight, but I’ve found it isn’t steady. They say the path is lit, but I walk with blind feet. I’ve heard the Way is narrow, and to that I can attest. And if He says His yoke is easy, then I’m carrying something else. But the gravity of unnameable burdens is negated by the flight of my hope, and the fierce reality of “what is” will always be eclipsed by “What is promised to come.”
In other words: while this waiting room is in orbit, I’ll just keep trying to revolve around the Son.

To my Father in heaven- as you sit on your throne, as you dwell in my heart, and as you stand outside of time:
I want to thank You for this peace. You have given me so much understanding, yet no measure of eloquence or wisdom can help me describe it. You are just too beyond me!
Whatever you do with me you will do for your glory. That is so much more than enough.
So here is my body, here is my heart, here is my life, my trust, my hope, my purpose- here is everything I thought belonged to me.
Take it, and reign.

Em

Lord,
Walking with you is difficult and scary- but for that I blame my pride.
Your path for me is planned, perfect.
Narrowly lit.
You shine your light in front of me as I walk, just enough to keep me from stepping in to darkness.
Sometimes you light the way entirely, and I can see what is to come. Which is terrifying, because I always doubt that I can handle what we are steadily approaching.
I say all that to say:
Your revelations are always perfect. No matter how much you reveal or when you reveal it.
No matter what, I am thankfully forced to need you and trust you.
All that to learn:
I probably should be looking up rather than ahead.

Dear Jesus,
I refuse to forget that life is beautiful. More than anything else I fear forgetting your goodness. Don’t let me be veiled by your blessings, although they are immeasurably great. The splendor of what you DO still does not approach that of who you ARE.
Thank you for whispering so I have to listen.
Thank you for making sure I am not too comfortable for too long.
Thank you for your promises, which you always faithfully fulfill.
Thank you for forgiveness. I require a lot of that from you.
You are my sustenance.
I hope you know that you are all I want. No other desire can compare to my desire for you.
-Emily

There is one thought that has ruled me today, and it has nothing to do with this picture.
“Lord, you really, REALLY love us.”
To realize the depth of this truth is to be thoroughly quieted. I am still, and there is hardly any room for words or thoughts. Just awe. Just the humility that comes from revelation of His heart. I am so wowed, I almost can’t form a single prayer… almost.

Hello, Spiritual Undertow.
The pause before the throw.
You are still and you are quiet.
And so am I.
Hello, Storm.
The thrust that threatens my norm.
You are strong and you are impending.
Yet..so am I.

Dear Romance,

I am just going to be honest with you: you make me nervous. I will offer you free reign of my relationships with Jesus and my sisters, as long as you leave all of my other relationships alone. The vulnerability and inebriation of the heart are certainly not welcomed right now. I will not welcome you if you approach me alone. So if you want any of my time, bring your friends- Wisdom, Self-control, and Divine Glory.
And maybe then we will talk.
Maybe.

Em

Surface,

I just wanted to remind you that you are penetrable. But the thicker you are, the more frustrated I become. When it comes to picking my battles, I have a hard time not picking you. But- it seems sometimes that is the wisest thing to do. It seems intimacy does not always win.
In some cases, it seems intimacy does not even have a chance. All I want is to know people and glorify God in my loving of them. Tell me, what is wrong with that? Why do you inflict the ones I love with indifference towards me? Couldn’t you at least have enough decency to stay out of my home life?
You know what, I will just approach you with a sharper sword next time.

Watch your back.
Em

Lord,

Thank you for building doors in the walls that surround me. Thank you for making some of them big enough for me to see. Thank you for opening them. Thank you for pushing me until I fall through them. Thank you for closing them behind me. Thank you for making walls and not making ceilings. Thank you for the infinite opportunity for hope and revelry. Thank you for letting light in where I am. Someday these walls will tumble, and I won’t need doors. But for now, I am thankful for all the things I need, and all the struggles I pass through to get them. Because they are all found in you, and reaching You is worth any stretch. I love needing you. I love that you are everything you promised. You could be any kind of God you want. You’re God. But you are a God of hope… and faithfulness… and doors… and many other things.
You made everything perfectly. Even my flaws- with which I am falling fast in love.

I love you most,
Em

Dear Hope,
Thanks for coming back.

Protection,
There are so many things I do not understand- what I want versus what I should ask for, what is acceptable to ask for, whether I should ask for anything at all.
Remembering God’s faithfulness makes my stomach turn when I ask for you. To ask for you feels too much like asking for Comfort…which strikes me as a worldly pursuit. Because of this, I am never comfortable when I call on you. Ironic? As I said, there is a lot I do not understand.
Until wisdom guides me to a proper relationship with you, I will stand back and let Christ lead you to me when necessary. I’m sorry for my apprehension, as I know you only have the best intentions.
-Em

Dear Rest,
Why are you so coy with me? I wish you weren’t so hard to get. I want you to stay with me. I don’t want you out of love for Comfort, but for Christ. Thankfully He is uninhibited by my insufficiency, for I would be significantly less useful to a limited god without you. I am slowly learning all the things I did to chase you away, but you still elude me. I’m growing weary with out you. Please show me mercy. Please return to me.
Please,
me

To the world and all her ways:

Of course I have joy! I can’t take you seriously.
To remember that you are fully tangible and destructible definitely puts your weight into perspective, and I’m flying. I am undeniably enjoying my time with you. You are quite conducive to my wonderment of your Creator, as I continually attempt to remind myself that you aren’t even that great. No offense.

To infinity,
Em

Identity,

You used to concern me greatly. Nowadays I am increasingly apathetic. Hm. I take that back. It seems I want rid of you. Wait. You confuse me.

That was pointless,
Em

Dear Pain,

Our relationship is steadily growing in health. You would be pleased to know that you remind me more of Beauty and Revelation than Sadness and Regret. Yes, you are rough around the edges. But so am I, that is, to the extent that you are a part of me. I am thankful for you and I think you are beautiful. And besides, a friend of Christ’s is a friend of mine.

Cheers,
Em

Innocence,

I thoroughly enjoy you! Please remind me that I can still have the parts of you that remain. I’m sorry that all you do is decrease. I bet you love babies, in whom you get to live as richly as you will ever live. Just a thought. You are welcome to withhold me from whatever you wish.

Stay,

Em

My God,

I am excited to know You beyond the boundary of words, to know a joy that surpasses this. I want as much of you as this world will let me have. No. I want more. You truly are everything. Everything. And to think I am worthy of that? To think that this is the less glorious side of the gates..

And I did nothing.

Thank you for moments like these,
Em

To Fear,

Unless you enjoy being reduced to a shadow of your former self, I suggest you find another host.
((We both know that you have more of me than I let on. You always will, as I will always deny you.))
I know you are conscious of the beauty you attempt to hold from me. But my Ruler is stronger than you.

I win,

Em

*Editors Note: If you are a follower of Circle of Friends blog you will know that we have several contributors as well as guest bloggers. We are delighted that “Em’s Journal” will become a regular feature! Not to confuse you, but we will now have two Emilys writing for us (Emily Smith and Emily Jones – don’t you love it?) Em’s journal will be labeled ‘Em’s Journal’ while Emily will remain ‘Emily’ – clear as mud? For a wonderful story on God’s sense of humor and how God works His mysterious ways read here and here. These precious young women are both creative and gifted writers and challenge me with their spiritual insight, wisdom, and humor. Enjoy!

Dear Comfort,

You are a fleeting love- destructible, unfaithful. It seems I could never depend on you. I still love you, and you should know you are always welcome here. But I will not miss you when you are gone. Forgive me in advance for my ambition- when I decide to turn the tables and leave you first.

Healthily fond of you,

Em