I don’t know a more difficult subject to address (and live out in obedience!) than forgiveness. Just when we think we have it all figured out – someone comes along and hurts or betrays us and we have to go back to the Word. Let’s face it; what the Bible has to say about forgiving others is sometimes difficult for us to swallow. And even more difficult for us to put into practice.

In Ephesians (chapter four, verse thirty-two) Paul urges us that we are to be “forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” and in case we missed it, he says the same thing again in Colossians 3:13. How can we measure the forgiveness of Christ? Hasn’t He forgiven us not once, but over and over again? When we take what God has given us (forgiveness, grace, mercy) and refuse to share it with others we throw God’s gifts right back in His face. It makes light of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Anyone unwilling to forgive does not understand the heart of God – it is who He is! Are we going through the motions of belief, of accepting what God has given us, but denying it to others? In Luke 6:38 Jesus warns us that the measure we use for others will be the same one used for us.

Refusing to forgive has serious consequences. In Matthew 18:21-35 when Peter asks the Lord how many times he should forgive someone Jesus tells him the parable of the unforgiving servant. I’ve heard it said that perhaps when Jesus tells Peter to forgive ‘seventy times seven’ He means to forgive that person over and over again for the same offense! That puts a whole new twist on things, doesn’t it?

Our human hearts resist this thought. Isn’t dealing with it once enough? Why am I the one who has to give over and over, when I’m the one that was hurt? When your heart cries out, “It’s not fair!” Remember that God sees far beyond this moment in time – each person has been given free will as you have. Ezekial 33:20 tells us that God ‘will judge every one of you according to his own ways.’

“The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair.’ Hear now, O house of Israel, is it not My way which is fair, and your ways which are not fair?’” Ezekial 18:20, 25. The Lord is a righteous judge – a holy God who is fair to all. We are a people full of prejudice and selfishness, blinded by our own desires and woundedness. This is a hard teaching but one we need to grasp – God is the one who will judge, not us. Whatever offenses have been committed against us – we still need to respond as the Lord would have us – with forgiveness. But how?

1. Be honest. Acknowledge your hurts and the wounds others have inflicted. ‘Stuffing’ (ignoring or denying pain) does not resolve it, contrarily, it puts it in a pressure cooker and one day it will explode. Our emotions are real and are a natural consequence of simply experiencing life. It is not wrong to have emotions – the key is what we do with them. Acknowledge them to yourself, and to God – bring them back to Him (again and again if necessary). The second part of being honest is being honest about yourself. Recognizing your own sin first will keep ‘the beam’(Matthew 7:3-5) out of your eye and help you not to knock anyone out with it!
2. Pray for those who have hurt you. It is surprising what happens when we pray. Prayer doesn’t change things – it changes us! Our attitude and perspective change when we focus on God and His Word – when we put ourselves in the posture and position of seeing other people through His eyes, not our own skewed perspective. Understanding ourselves and others comes more readily when our focus is off ourselves and onto other people. The Word tells us to put others first, to love our enemies, pray for those who persecute us – this is not a natural human response – this is supernatural and can only be done through His Spirit. Remember – this is more about obedience than about what we feel. We are not going to feel like praying for someone who has betrayed us – but we can be obedient to God and pray for them. He will change us (and our feelings) and help us move beyond the wall of hurt and pain that is blocking us from an intimate relationship with Him.
3. Remember this is not a one-time deal. There is no ‘blanket coverage’ in forgiveness – it takes work! Often times hurts re-surface and some things need to be dealt with again (and perhaps again and again). The good news is, the more we exercise the process of forgiveness (giving it to the Lord and praying for His unconditional love for that person) the less time it will take us to work through the hurt. Many people think that forgetting must come with forgiveness. This is a misconception. We choose to forgive, and in choosing we must remember the offenses and forgive in spite of them!
4. Don’t go there. Once you’ve made the decision to forgive, don’t allow yourself to dwell on the past. This is very different from denial of pain, or pretending the hurt never happened, or even trying the quick-fix-cover-up ‘forget about it’. This involves acknowledging the wrong done, and choosing to love the person anyway. Love is an action, a choice, a verb, an act of our will. Not only will hurts resurface because of circumstances, but we can sometimes be like small children with a scab that we just won’t quit picking at and consequently won’t let it heal. It takes some practice, but you can change your thinking patterns. When you find yourself re-hashing the hurt, use Scripture to bring your mind back to the truth and re-focus on what God has done for you, and what He continues to do.
5. Move past the ‘poor me’ stage. Sometimes we like the role of victim because it is a handy excuse to bash the other guy and let ourselves off the hook. Who of us has never offended another? How is it possible to ‘turn the other cheek’? The reality is if we try we may get slapped on the other side! So how can you bear the pain? Christ will bear it for us. The consequences of our response to what others do rest on our shoulders. God’s standards remain true across the board. They don’t change just because the hurt becomes personal.
6. Continue to confess your own sin. It is tough to admit we might have had a part in broken relationships (made bad choices, held wrong attitudes, acted out of anger, spite, etc.) Few problems are totally one-sided. Even in cases where they are – our response is critical if we do not want to move into a sinful attitude of our own. The root of bitterness grasps the soil of our heart very easily – and is difficult to weed out once it has taken hold. Then we find ourselves in the position of the offender, and possibly having wounded someone else.

Forgiveness is important not because of what it will do for someone else, but what it will do in our own hearts and lives!

All for Him,

Missy